England sinking – controversial official report confirms

England sinking – controversial official report confirms

It has long been recognised that the north-west of Britain is rising and the south-east is sinking – due to a geological process called ‘isostatic rebound’. The cause is a response firstly to the covering of the northern areas with thick ice sheets during the last glaciation and the resultant sinking. Over the thousands of years since the ice retreated [for now at any rate], the north-western areas have been recovering and rising, with the south-east like the opposite end of a see-saw, going back down. With middle England the fulcrum of the see-saw, this, combined with sea level rise, has made the areas around London and south-eastern England increasingly vulnerable to coastal inundation – part of an increasing global problem.

The sheer weight of evidence

However, there is more to this situation than we have been told, and a report leaked from a government think-tank, the Research Institute of Planning (RIP) confirms this. In short, the south-east of England is sinking due to the sheer weight of concrete, bricks and mortar, tarmac, people, and motorcars, as vast swathes of countryside are gobbled up by urban development – under the Government’s own pro-development planning policies.

As England sinks in the south-eats the situation is serious and apparently led David Cameron to state that ‘…as the waters rise around London, he will step in’. Similarly, George Osborne was equally concerned that the situation has, in his words, ‘reached a tipping point where we need to move UK business and homes elsewhere – before Britain’s economic centre sinks any further’. Cameron went on, ‘People, homes, and roads are simply dragging us down and we need to act quickly and decisively. It is said that Osborne went further to state privately that the problem was probably to do with too much Green Belt that was ‘….weighing down the economy and therefore the south-east of England’, and these ‘….bloody environmentalists who keep cropping up to hinder ordinary, honest, billionaire developers from exercising their rights to concrete over stuff’. He continued ‘… we should ship a few of them off to the North to balance the deficit’.

It seems that Boris Johnson has weighed in with a radical solution to move civil servants and stockbrokers from their homes in areas like Surrey and Middlesex, to the far north-west of Scotland, in order to re-balance the geological see-saw. As Boris hopes, whilst Scotland sinks, ‘…..surely the south-east will rise again’. It is believed that the weight of personal possessions and the massive houses – all transported north and re-built in Scotland – will tip Britain back to equilibrium. ‘My bold plan will save the day’, announced Boris to an enthralled audience of Conservative Party stalwarts, though the word on the street was ‘buy a boat’. Additionally though, party activists were suggesting that this was also a great way to take Conservatism back to Scotland and thus scupper any re-think on devolution.

The RIP report however, finishes on a pessimistic note for environmentalists. Noting the potential destruction of mature and ancient trees by proposed developments such as HS2, and the increasing recognition that trees in towns are, in the PM’s  words ‘a damned nuisance’ for the now privatised local authorities, a win-win outcome is proposed. Roadside trees and ancient woods in cities like Sheffield can be felled by private investment companies under licence (of course), to build giant rafts – just in case re-location to Scotland fails to tip the balance and London gets wet. Indeed, David Cameron’s hot tip for the proponents of the so-called ‘North Powerhouse’ [short for ‘it’s grim up north so get used to it‘] was ‘cut down your trees and build rafts, and I will back you to the hilt’. That should get the economy back on track and the British see-saw tipping once more in the right direction.

Government Environment spokesman speaks out

When cross-examined over these emerging crises, a faceless bureaucrat from Westminster said, ‘Essentially our response is this…….err…..well…. essentially stragically focused … and of course based on in-depth analysis of facts as we see them, and will be entirely sustainable ‘.

However, another minister (A.N. Other faceless bureaucrat) from Westminster leapt to the Government’s defence. ‘You may recall that Maggie built her reputation on the right to buy or RTB. George Osborne will also have a reputation from his RTB policies – the right to build – wherever, whatever, and whenever you want’. He went on, ‘As David and George have stressed, we are a party of the entire nation and we want to build homes for all those ordinary, disadvantaged, multi-millionaires regardless of race, colour or creed; for us, money is what counts’. This approach accords with the need to spread the load of the massive mansion beyond the sinking south-east. ‘Our message to the rest of Britain is this – don’t worry about daft issues like climate and floods, communities and sustainability, economic and social resilience, – hell, we certainly don’t. Live for today and don’t fret – your futures are safe with us’. Boris is said to have followed up, ‘…get on your Boris-bikes and head north – you know it makes sense….we are all sinking together – so move along please‘.

Now just wait for HS2! All hail Boris!

For more information, just check the government’s website www.gov.uk.RIP/sinkingfeeling

Anyway, you read it here first ….. so please pass this important information around.

Posted April 1st 2016

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3 Responses to England sinking – controversial official report confirms

  1. Technotronic says:

    I don’t know how to take this. Are all those quotes pure fiction? This is a bit like the myth that if everyone in China jumps simultaneously, they can cause an earthquake. 😀

  2. But do check the date……

    Cheers.

    Ian

  3. Technotronic says:

    I’d better check what date news broke that the felling injunction had been lifted. Either campaigners failed to present a sensible and state their case clearly, or that was one of the thickest judges on the planet, or… 😀

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